All I Need

Libby Viewing OverlookAll I ever need

Is a smile from her

All I ever want

Is her love eternal

All I ever care

Is for her best

All that ever matters

Is for her to be with me.

All that is

Is in her

Then I’ve seen God

His gift to me.

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Off to the DMV!

Ever been to the DMV? Of course you have. I had what I figure was my second visit in about eight years. I avoid the place with a passion. I do my tag renewals via online since it’s inception. I even got my license renewed online this past September. Wooo Hooo! Okay I digress. My trip yesterday was necessary. I went there and found a mortgage company had bought the upper floors of the building and had blocked off all but a few parking spaces for DMV visitors. That left people parking willy nilly around the lot. Then the usual entrance had also been blocked off by this mortgage company, so now you have to find the new entrance. Once done and inside I take my number and wait. . . and wait. . . .and wait. Then it’s my turn. I’m told my paperwork was wrong. Now folks I’ve done this before and never have I been told I’d done it wrong. They even tell me that the lack of information on the paperwork was in essence my committing a misdemeanor. Oh really? I”m not given to committing crimes, so I left to fix my paperwork. I was told when I come back they would give me the luxury of not having to take a number, but to go directly to a window on the end and I would be helped. So I went away, got my paperwork fixed and came back a little over an hour later and went to this particular window. With one ahead of me I watched as a customer began to get angry with the person working at the window. Seems the state owns the credit card processing machines at the window cannot be used for the notary fee. Alas there is an ATM within feet of the windows. So the man angrily gets his minimum $10 for the $5 fee. He asks will they at least give him back his charge for withdrawing from their ATM. The anger in this man escalates to a very loud and boisterous level until the person working the window next to the window he is running on and he effectively tell her he wasn’t talking to her and he didn’t want to talk to a supervisor, who BTW is Mr. Hargett. He was standing there watching the whole time and not interjecting anything into this argument. He could have put a stop to it, but he didn’t. My assumption is he’s passive agressive and left his women to fight for him. But it didn’t stop there. This guy was practically jumping up and down and then a voice in the back of the room raised up and told him to speak his peace and leave. He turned towards this voice and said he wasn’t talking to him either. The man reiterated his words and by this time someone else told him it was time to shut up and leave. Then a customer (woman) at the window on the other end turns to him and tells him it’s time for him to leave. Even the crowd was about to riot on his butt. He was in fact done, but had continued his argument by asking were they going to charge him $10 more so he could leave. Okay. He finally left and it was my turn at my window. Even though my experience wasn’t pleasant I turned it into a better experience and told the woman I actually had a $5 bill to pay my notary fee! HA! We had a laugh and I got my tag and left her with a smile on her face and a I was happy as well I don’t have to go back for at least a few years. Or maybe, just maybe I’ll go back to see if I can witness another uprising in the DMV. Observance of the public can have an amusing side.

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As I’ve reached sixty-five years of age I found some things in life are foolish. One of those things that became foolish to me years ago was trying to make someone realize they were living down a wrong path. I can’t make them change. They’re family after all and should be loved and cherished as family. You should never turn family away no matter how their situation may be to one’s self.

I’d much rather have the relationship of family than to be stiff-minded in my own opinion of how I think. I’ve found I’m only punishing myself. My only remaining brother may read this and he’s welcome to do so. He’s a very intelligent man. He knows what he wants out of life. I am not going to begrudge him as to the way he lives. He should live life to the fullest. I’ve found when I changed my frame of mind to this way of thinking I have freed myself to live my life to the fullest as well. Elsewise I would not be punishing him for something I have no control over anyway.  All I would be doing is punishing myself for being so stiff-necked.

The real reason I sat down to write this isn’t because of him though. It’s because of my eldest son. My youngest son of the two has realized life is too short to cut people out of their life because of differences. He’s a bigger man for allowing circumstances to go behind him and take the productive road in life.

I love both my sons with much love and concern for them. Both need to know that. I don’t hold one in higher esteem than the other. They are both what I consider as contributing members of society. That’s not the case for everyone out there today where the entitlement crowd resides. If you’re not making life better for yourself and others you are a part of the problem. Both I consider to be contributors.

My problems with my former wife are our problems. She highly dislikes me because I didn’t measure up to her standards. For that I’ve apologized many times over. I have not been able to hold a civil conversation with her in years without her rehashing every detail of those shortcomings. She has failed to learn the forgiveness Christ presented to the world. She will say she has and then turn around and hold out my laundry list. I hold no ill will towards her. I really don’t. I do, however, have ought with the courts over how our divorce was handled. It was very biased and untruthful in facts relating to the two of us. The balance was heavily in her favor. Statements were presented that were incorrect and taken for fact. I have questions that were left unanswered. Quite a few to be honest. The judge was a very liberal judge and punished me like I was party to some issue in his own life. I almost feel someone did him wrong in his own life and I became an example for his wrath. My own attorney was stymied by his judgement.

But I digress and get back on track. My eldest has not spoken to me in over six years because it appears he feels I spoke to his wife wrongly as well as divorced his mom. I will take a huge swallow here and say okay, I’ll take the blame here hoping it will renew the relationship with him and his family. I won’t become a rug to be walked on, but I will swallow up all the anger involved with whatever is holding this relationship up.

I’m too old now to worry the small stuff. We’re father and son. That will never change. But this relationship can be repaired and changed to something that can be salvaged. There’s no need for the loss of relationship. I’ve opened my door many times over the past six years and never once received a response. I’m not holding this up. Don’t punish yourself any longer son. I’m here.

You see son, I have your back. I speak only good things of you when people ask me about you. I’ve never spoken evil of you. I never will. Why do you still hold the past against me? Do you not know the love of God and His forgiveness? You should. You were taught it every day in a Christian School. Who has influenced you otherwise? My biggest fear isn’t for myself. It’s for you, son. This will eat you alive, not me. My arms and heart are open to you.

Posted in Divorce, Family, Love, Old Age, Ponderings, Spiritual | 2 Comments

Five hundred Eighty Eight “Friends”

I sit here in the early morning of the midpoint of Libby’s and my vacation.  We’re calling for a bit of down time today.  So I sitting here looking at my Facebook page and realize I have 588 “friends”.  I remember when I started this silly social thing asking myself how could anyone amass these large “friend” lists?

Several years later now and looking back I can see how it’s done.  Everyone we meet in life we leave an impression from some aspect of our life on someone else.  There are family and friends of a personal level.  There are co-workers, church family.  There are friends that spring up from our mutual likes, such as cars or music.  There are so many ways to develop friends of whatever we encounter.

Life tends to change as well.  Who we once were and who we are now folds over pages in our lives that covers up friends from our past and reveals friends of out present.

I sit and think of probably the most enduring friendships were made while in school.  I didn’t realize that years later I would reconnect with so many of them.  When you’re from a school that contained all twelve grades in one building you tend to get to know everyone no matter what grade.  Although age at the time may be a deciding factor as to whether you are “buddies” or not, later in life age becomes a backseat partner in the ride of life.  We grew up together.

Church.  I spent the large part of my adult life in a church where people came and went like water under a bridge.  Thirty years I sat under a ministry that taught me a lot about God, others and myself.  From that I’ve learned in Bibilical principles has changed me most of all.  From a young man with self in the forefront to one who cares more for people than I ever figured I could achieve.  The people from this time have been kept in my heart because I saw the highs and lows of many who found freedom or found their disdain for the same.  I defeated my biggest fear of standing before people to speak.  I fear no man when I stand to speak the Word of God.  It is He who speaks through me.  What I allow through my mouth is not my own, so I learned the consequences of what I say, as long as my heart is pure in it, are heard and either accepted or rejected.  It’s not me the people react to.  It’s God they react to.  But I’m rambling.

Work.  I’ve worked many jobs and connected with far more people than likely any other avenue.  From construction to where I am now sends my mind through a plethora of faces and names.  This includes my military time as well.  I’m sure anyone with military in their past can say there are a lot of people we made some degree of contact with, even if briefly.  Where I work has had a cosmic effect on me.  I’ve been at the Naval Hospital going on thirty years in the same building.  I’ve seen most everyone I worked with back then leave into retirement, go to another place of work or unfortunately die.  The ones who have died leave me with a much more sober look at life.  A handful of them had become close friends.

What can I say?  Well.  I’m trying to reconnect and connect with people from my past who mean or should mean a lot to me.  Some of them are “fringe” friends.  Some I’ve never met personally, yet I feel, as my wife does as well, are as close to me as if I’d known them from just down the street.  Here’s just a couple that come to mind, so don’t be offended if you read this and didn’t get mentioned.  You have to pardon my “old man” memory.  Chad and Nicole and their son Cash.  They live in Minnesota and we’ve never met in person, but they feel to us (Libby and me) as close as friends can be.  Trish Brooke, with whom Libby and I met through blogging as well seems like someone who shares our own likes and dislikes.

Libby and I have developed our own set of friends since our divorces.  When we married finally I had no idea we could draw a crowd of eighty people.  But we did.  That was amazing to me that that many people would take time out of their busy schedules to come and enjoy Libby’s and my marriage.  God bless ’em.

I can’t do justice to what my thoughts are on this subject.  My mind is too full.

One thing I thank God for is my relationship with my younger son.  I just wish my older son could give up on the bitterness he hordes against me.  I’m sure back then I hurt people, but I was diagnosed back then with anxiety attacks and severe depression.  I no longer have these issues and feel solidly on my feet as I enter the last years of life.  God has allowed me to lay a solid foundation under me with people who care about me and would help in times of need.  I have no fear of growing old.  I have Libby to count as my biggest blessing in life.  If I may be so crude she’s the closest most loving woman I’ve ever known who has vowed to wipe my butt when I can’t for myself if it comes to that.

That may sound like I’ve lost my mind, but I remember when my step-grandfather was in the final stages of Alzheimer’s I stopped in one day to see him and my grandmother of 78 years old.  She asked me to help her change his diaper.  Such dedication to someone you love is hard to find sometimes.  I think you get the picture.  She lived to serve him.  She was hospitalized a couple of weeks or so after his death and she died not long after in the hospital.  She told me she was tired, but I knew she was not going to leave Jamie without someone who cared for him as long as he was alive.

Friends.  I have many in all the stages of knowing who they are and what they mean to me, but I care for them all the same.  Except for Libby, of course.  Here I go.  She’s my number one.  No one can or will hold a light to her and darken her image to me.  I count her as being sent from God to preserve my life to a longer life so that I can serve Him still.

God bless all my friends no matter who you are.

Posted in Ponderings | 2 Comments

Just How Old Are We?

Physically we grow old. Period. Think about that for a minute.

Okay. You’re minute is up.

What else did you think about when you were contemplating that statement above? Perhaps you thought I may be growing physically old, but mentally I’m still quite capable of committing teenage acts of craziness.

I’m to be sixty-five years old next month. Don’t let me ever hear you say I’m sixty-five years young. That’s BS, plain and simple. I’m 65 years OLD physically and this old body ain’t what it used to be. My wife, Libby, has repeatedly told me that growing old sucks. Yes it does. The “Golden Years” to me only means I might need Depends.

But I don’t intend to go down without enjoying the years she and I have left. We laugh, we cry, we do things together and we talk about everything. Nothing, and I mean nothing, is hid from each other. She is the only person that I have told everything I have done that is life-altering or eventful. Libby is the one person with whom I have shared even my deepest, darkest secrets. I trust her.

With that said, we intend to grow old together. We share each other’s lives. When one is down the other is there to lift up the spirit. We pray for each other. That’s something that I admittedly didn’t do in my previous marriage. I won’t go into why I think that’s the case. It’s my statement of fact. It just did not happen.

Libby and I are mentally very much younger than we appear. We still hold hands everywhere we go. People have even complimented us or commented that people should still do that more often. To me, touch is an important function between two people. We kiss each other before we get out of the car. Don’t ask why, we just do. I have been known to pat her on the butt in Wal-Mart or any other public place if I feel like it. She gives me that big smile and says, did you just touch my butt? I’ll say yes, what are you going to do about it? Then she’ll smile real big. HA!  Sometimes we just stop and look each other in the eyes to see what’s inside.  The windows of the soul do say a lot.

In our heart and soul we’re still young. That’s what we are. That’s what we do. It’s us thumbing our nose at the grim reaper and pushing him off to the distant future.

One of my cousin’s husband posted a picture that so aptly applies to Libby and me. I had to pull that picture into my album. It makes me think of Libby and me. I’m thinking this is something we ought to do. I don’t care how old you are; maybe you ought to consider it. How young do you feel? How young at heart do you want to be?

Libby and me

Posted in Ponderings | 4 Comments


Today I realized something. There was a day when I thought when I died I would not have bouquet-of-daisies-for-weddinga single soul come to the funeral. Morbid, eh? I felt like I’d lost my last friend during those dark days. One thing that always remained in my thinking was that today does not rule my tomorrow.

Tomorrow is a brighter day no matter what today looks like. I don’t intend to look at yesterday. It’s gone. It can’t be changed. So whatever today brings I deal with it while formulating what I feel I should do. What I should do is determined by what I hear God saying. Sometimes I’m a bit slow at figuring it out, but in the end the Word prevails.

When I met Libby I had no intentions on my mind, but eventually I became aware of something good in her. She was and still is good for my well-being. She is a gem among gems. She’s light where darkness once reigned. I have no words for what she really means to me.

Apparently a lot of people have realized what the two of us have. We are getting married in two days and once the word was out it seems to have taken on a life of its own. Well, I didn’t die. Something better is happening than life itself.

Once the word was out our once thought to be a small wedding has grown. It’s taken on a life of its own. Every time I turn around another person is telling me they are coming to the wedding. Some even looked at me like I am being mean for not having invited them, so I invite them. I have no problem with friends coming that I’ve missed.

There are people who have come out of nowhere to help with the wedding. One member of the church is taking care of setting up the church with flowers and such. Another has taken over the setup of the reception and food for the reception has been taken care of by a group of ladies.

One thing above all is that I have one of my sons and my daughter-in-law and granddaughter are coming. That in itself is a blessing to me.

I am truly thankful for following God in the last couple of years more than any other time in my life. He blessed me with Libby. Past circumstances are nullified by His forgiveness. What Libby and I have is pure in thought and deed. We intend to make the rest of our lives a rich, rewarding time for the both of us.

Now that the thoughts of a lonely funeral are gone, I don’t have to think about that. I have a rich, fulfilling day today and forever more. I have friends. People who think much of Libby and me will be there to witness the joining together of Libby’s and my life. Libby didn’t expect many people and we don’t really worry about numbers of people, but the impact of all these people who will come has had on the two of us. We just didn’t realize how many of them they are.

We are blessed.

Posted in Love, Ponderings, Soulmate, Spiritual | 2 Comments

Life’s Events

I haven’t written much lately. Life has been a challenge when you have to make changes that aren’t necessarily things you want to doRing 1_edited.

I’ve been separated from my ex for over six years and due to a large amount of obstacles to overcome it’s been impossible to make the goals I set down as reachable. But considering the nature of life I’ve adopted many years ago I’ve learned to work even harder to get there.

I was mixed up in my mind for several years in my mid to late fifties and whether anyone wants to admit it or not I felt totally out of control. I do admit to making several mistakes and I’ve paid for them in full. Depression and anxiety attacks are not recommended for the faint-of-heart. Some of you may even know what I’m talking about.

My marriage was dissolving before my very eyes and although I played my part badly, I was left with several thousand dollars of debt I didn’t create. I still do not have an answer as to how or why it happened. In fact, I had no idea it was happening. It was kept from me by my ex. In all honesty I can’t blame her entirely for it. I had maintained a set of blinders to the situation, not wanting to know what my financial situation was. I would ask was all in order and was told yes. I took her word on it and turned a blind eye.

After we separated I fought hard to get my head back together and found myself in a relationship with another woman that was probably not the best thing to do in some ways only by when it happened more than how it happened.

I had started studying divorce at least a year before I actually left. I just couldn’t see the feasibility of leaving at the time. Libby was more of a catalyst in helping me realize I had to follow through with it. She didn’t steal me, coerce me or anything. Our talks led us to a conclusive agreement that we should both go to our respective places and try to make that work, but over time we found that we could not deal with going back to our spouses.

I knew after counseling I was in need of long-term help and I sought it as much as possible and with medication I have found with time I’m more of a sound individual than I’ve ever been in my entire life. Trying to live with my ex would not have done any good for either of us. I could spend a good while writing about why I know this, but let’s just leave it at that for another time.

Libby came back into my life on a full time basis. I have cried many times on her shoulder and she has always been a comfort to me. Always. Never has she turned me away and is always there when I need her. I have found it very easy for me to love her and be there for her. I can read her like a book. She can say something that reminds me of the lyrics of a song and I’ll sing a bit of it and she’ll join in. Seems she knows all the songs I know. Over time I found I cannot be a day without her. She is my constant companion. If you see me, you see her.

It’s been six years and this past Friday the marriage came to an end in court. It was a simple, procedural function where I swore on the stand that I was agreeing to the terms. In just a minute at most I heard the gavel come down as the judge said “Divorce granted” as I stepped down from the witness stand. I am now a free man again.

It’s my hope my ex can move on with her life and find whatever or who she can lean on for support. In short, she’ll deserve whatever she makes of her life from here on.

The past is just that. The past. Now for a future.

I called Libby and told her all was said and done. When I said I was a free man, I meant it. I freely have taken on the responsibility of Libby. She’s my friend first, then companion, my confidant. Most of all the fore things mentioned equals the sum of what our love for each other is. She is truly my lover.

Instead of all the juicy details of a love life I place here the less intimate things. I enjoy cooking for her. I help her clean house. We have been remodeling the house together. She helps keep the garden cleaned up and I make sure the plants are healthy as possible. I do keep the yard mown and trimmed. She plants flowers and such and “decorates” the yard as well.

Then there are the evenings where we have recorded programs we like from TV. We’ll eat our dinner together and many times she’ll finish and rest her head on my shoulder and lightly snore while I keep tabs on the programs we watch so I can catch her up if need be.
A very, very important thing between us is that we communicate. We talk. We talk all the time. We have early mornings to go to work, so we try to go to bed early, usually by eight or so, but we end up talking some evenings till ten or so. She’s very smart and inquisitive about all aspects of life. She hears God speak and she’ll ask me what I think or can I explain something. I listen to her carefully. I learn from her as well. This aspect of our relationship is a testament of how we’ve come so far and still love each other as it were the first time we met. She has dove into my life wanting to know every detail. She really wants to know how I tick. I can read her like a book. She thinks about everything in depth, yet she can be impulsive. I thought people who analyze things are slower to make a decision, but she’s different this way. It’s not a dig on her. It’s just who she is. I love her just the way she is. I hope she never changes.

So. Why this writing? On the 24th of July 2015, she and I will get married. I’ve learned from past experience that marriage isn’t something to take lightly. It’s not something to jump right into. Come on. We’ve been together for a long time now and I know we’re meant to be together. If I could have changed the past, I would have, but God knows what I needed and all the water under the bridge has gone forever. Today is a new day. Libby. I can’t describe her with words. She just is.

She is to me everything I have ever wanted in a companion. My life event? To marry my partner.

Posted in Ponderings | 3 Comments