Some may recognize the subject title as the name of a song by Pink Floyd. Libby and I were talking last evening about life in general and I said that I had learned to not let things bother me like they used to do. I only get upset with people I don’t know. Namely people in other cars around me when I’m driving are my triggers. They’re idiots in large part, but that’s another story. I was told by my previous wife that I had to be leader of the pack. She may have been right, but I just don’t like being crowded in. I move at my own pace which is the envelope pushing limit above the speed limit. Okay, how’d I get onto this rabbit trail?
Oh, comfortably numb. Being able to absorb things around me and swallow it up and go on is something I’m good at here in my latter years. The problem arises when like eating something bad, it does affect me, but I don’t fret over it. I was recently in a situation where I had to enter a man’s home where the situation was tense. Another guy and I went into this man’s home to retrieve some items belonging to someone else. I already knew before I got there this guy had a gun. I was not going unprepared. I have a concealed carry and my gun was on me. The man who lives there had what appeared to be his parents in attendance when we entered. The man did not get out of his chair the whole time and my summation of this was he was sitting on his gun. I did not leave my back to him at any time there and we were out quickly. After I got back home it hit me the seriousness of the situation. I went to bed and slept four hours from exhaustion. But I was able to absorb the heightened sense of danger and get through it. I’ve known the day that I would not have been able to do that.
Libby looked at me when I said I was able to not let things bother me and said I should be able to because of modern medicine. Sertraline and Lorazepam are a part of my day, every day. I’m not an abuser. I stay true to my regime and really don’t take a full dose of either when I do take it. I take just enough to make the difference between a difficult day and a good day. You could say comfortably numb.
When I first started taking Sertraline all the side effect hit me. Profuse sweating was the most horrible physical side of them. I’d break out sweating like a whore in church, proverbially speaking. The other was a disorder that was quite interesting, but I’ll let you go look that up and draw your own conclusions. So eventually I halved the dose to get the desire effect with less side-effect. I found my balance.
Another side-effect was that it left me emotionally flat. I didn’t get upset about anything. Even bad drivers on the road didn’t bother me. I lost that side-effect when I half dosed. Smiling here. I could have cut my hand off with a skill saw and I would have calmly wrapped it and gone to the ER. Of course I’d take my hand with me for reattachment, but eh. I was okay. Just something I would have had to deal with, but nothing to get excited about.
I do have a very active mind that is always calculating situations for what possible outcomes might happen. It leads to ever conclusive scenarios that don’t shut off. It’s never been proven or diagnosed, but I’m pretty sure I have some thought process that is always leading me from one thing to another never really completely solving any of them. Some might call it ADHD or something like that. Whatever it is I’ve learned to cope with it except in one area. I can’t shut my mind off when I go to bed anymore. It is still actively sorting out situations when I go to bed. To my rescue come Lorazepam. I half dose that too for the desired effect and I sleep comfortably with unusual dreams that I’m a non-participant most of the time, so it has little effect on me.
Life at my present age is something that I wondered about years ago. Would I be paranoid about death and waiting for my demise? Now that I’m here and on these medications I have no emotion about it one way or the other. I don’t anticipate death. I anticipate life. Libby has refreshed my life and given me something to live for.
Comfortably numb? Yes. To some extent I am, but still I have an awareness that doesn’t require I get excited or depressed about whatever is going on. I’ve learned to absorb it. Life is here to enjoy.